New York City, Boring?

By Larry Nodarse

The night before last, I met a guy named Frank. Nice guy. Originally from Fresno CA, he’s been living for a long time here, in Hollywood CA, where he recently bought a condo. Smart guy. Successful. He works “in Finance”, whatever that means.

When Frank found out that I had moved here from New York City, and that I had lived there for 15 years, he said, “Oh man, I could never live there. I went there and I didn’t like it at all”.

Now, there are many, maaany reasons why a person would not want to live in NYC, all of them perfectly valid, depending on the person’s personality, likes and dislikes…

If you want a front yard and a back yard, NYC is not for you.

If you want a house of any kind, NYC is not for you.

If you like to see the horizon when you walk down the street, NYC is not for you.

If you’re into star-gazing (as in the night sky, not as in celebrities), NYC is not for you.

If you like the sound of crickets at night, NYC is not for you.

If you hate walking and prefer driving, NYC is not for you.

If you don’t like taking public transportation, NYC is not for you.

If the sound of a police siren, firetruck siren, ambulance siren or jackhammer drives you to distraction, NYC is not for you.

If you hate sweltering summers and freezing winters, NYC is not for you.

If you hate being caught in the rain without a functioning umbrella, NYC is not for you.

If you love to be around nature all the time, NYC is not for you.

If you want to keep and ride horses, NYC is not for you.

If you don’t like intense ethnic diversity right up in your face, NYC is not for you.

If you don’t like sharing the sidewalk with people dressed in “bizarre” ways, and acting in “bizarre” ways, NYC is not for you.

If you are not rich, and get claustrophobic living in a tiny apartment, NYC is not for you.

If your nose is intolerant of unpleasant smells, NYC is not for you.

If a mountain of garbage bags on the sidewalk freaks you out, NYC is not for you.

If you find masses of people walking all around you really briskly and with a purpose to be unsettling, NYC is not for you.

If you prefer your friends to invite you to their homes for dinner, instead of always to a restaurant, NYC is not for you.

If you like to hear English spoken in only one particular accent, NYC is not for you.

If you don’t like being told the brutal truth by complete and total strangers, NYC is not for you.

If you don’t like it when total strangers go out of their way to help you when you’re in need, NYC is not for you.

I could go on and on and on. There are so many reasons why certain people would not want to live in NYC.

However, there are so many amazing positives that outweigh the negatives, that those positives make living anywhere else unthinkable for many New Yorkers.

But I digress. Back to Frank.

I asked Frank what he didn’t like about NYC, expecting one of the reasons that I listed above. He didn’t say any of those reasons. He said, “Because the buildings are all old, so they’re ugly. And New York is a boring city. Very boring. I was there for ten days, and after two days, there was nothing left for me to do.”

My jaw dropped and my eyes bulged. “BORING?!?” I exclaimed. “New York City, BORING?!?”

“Yes,” he repeated, “There was nothing left to do after two days.”

My mind was reeling. REELING. Was this guy fucking with me? OK. Deep breath. Let’s start at the beginning, a very good place to start. When you read, you begin with A-B-C…

“Let’s start with your beginning sentence” I said, ” ‘The buildings are all old, so they’re ugly’. You wouldn’t like Rome, then.”

“Why?”

“Because the buildings in Rome are even older than the ones in New York”

“Yeah, but maybe they’re a different KIND of old, and I WOULD like them. All those skyscrapers in New York are just plain old and ugly. But I might like the old buildings in Rome”

OK. He had a point. So what if the guy has lousy taste by my standards? So what if he finds ugly such “old” architectural treasures such as the Chrysler Building, the Empire State Building, the Flatiron Building, the Woolworth Building, the Paramount Building, the New York Life Insurance Building, Rockefeller Center, Grand Central Station, the Public Library, the Jefferson Market Library… not to mention the bridges… the Brooklyn Bridge, the Queensboro Bridge…. oh, and all those beautiful brownstones in the Village…. CHRIST, THE GUY HAS NO TASTE AT ALL IN ARCHITECTURE.

All right. Cool. OK. To each his own. His tastes differ from mine, and that’s fine.

But New York City, BORING?!?!?

In 1917, Luigi Pirandello wrote a play called, “Cosi e’ (se vi pare)”. The English title is, “Right You Are (If You Think You Are)”, but the better, literal translation is, “It’s like that (if it seems like that to you). I bring this up because, according to Pirandello, many things aren’t absolute. For example, New York is an exciting city because *I* think it’s exciting. But New York is a boring city because *Frank* thinks it’s boring. There are no absolutes here. Boring and Exciting are matters of opinion– they can’t be qualified.

Well, I have to disagree with both Frank and Luigi on this particular subject. It’s an absolute: New York City is NOT boring. It is many things both positive and negative, but boring isn’t one of them.

Are you into Fashion? There’s plenty in NYC, on the runways, on the cutting tables, on the sidewalks and in the shop windows.

Are you into Art? The number of museums and galleries is astronomical.

Are you into Photography? You’re in the right place, to do it or view it.

Are you into Business? Business capitol of the world.

Are you into Interior Design? There are bars, restaurants, shops and lofts galore, many with beautifully designed interiors.

Are you into Dancing? Too many discotheques to count. And if you like to watch it, you’ll have to choose which type… ballet, tango, modern, flamenco, swing, salsa, samba, belly…

Are you into Eating Out? You could eat at a different restaurant every night for 10 years and not eat at the the same restaurant twice.

Are you into Compulsive Sex? Your plate will be full, no matter how unattractive you are (just don’t bank on a beauty).

Are you into Sports? You can play them, you can watch them, or both, if that’s your thing.

Are you into Acting? There are sooo many auditions. Just don’t expect to be cast very often.

Are you into Booze? There’s a bar on virtually every other corner, and if there’s not, there’s a liquor store.

Are you into Cinema? You can watch it being shot on the street, or you can watch it in a theater: blockbusters, art-house, indies, foreign-language, classics, pornos….

Are you into Live Theatre? There’s Broadway, Off-Broadway, Off-Off Broadway, Off-Off-Off Broadway…

Are you into Live Music? Make your choice: Jazz, Punk, Rock, Symphony, Big Band, Bossa Nova, Bhangra, Blues, and so many more, every night of the week.

Are you into Poetry Slams? They’re abundant and they’re free (who would pay?).

Are you into Men? There’s plenty of them, gay, bi and straight.

Are you into Women? There’s plenty of them, gay, bi and straight.

Are you into Religion? There are churches, synagogues, mosques, temples…

Are you into Prostitution? You can be one or rent one, whichever you prefer.

Once again, I could go on and on and on…. I guess NYC can be boring if you are into Mountain Climbing, Deep-Sea Fishing, Desert Exploration, Rain Forest Exploration, Prairie Farming, Yodeling on the Matterhorn, Snorkeling, Safaris and other such things, and ONLY other such things.

I told Frank all these things, and he basically said, “All I know is that I was there, I like city things, and there was nothing to do after a while, and I found it very boring. And there were garbage bags piled up on the sidewalk. That’s ugly.”

“Agreed!!” I said, “I totally understand why you’d think that piles of garbage bags on the sidewalk are ugly. But I’m incapable of understanding how you can find New York to be BORING, with a lack of things to do. I first visited it as a tourist on a week’s vacation, and I couldn’t fit in all the things that I wanted to see in just one week.”

He shrugged lackadaisically and said, “Well, I’m not you”.

How true. Frank’s not me. So why should it matter that he finds New York boring? Why do I spend all this time writing about it? Why did it irk me to such an extent that he could think in that way? I’m glad that not everybody is me (SO glad), but sometimes… I just can’t understand why they are not more like me,

ESPECIALLY WHEN I’M RIGHT.

Cosi e’ (se vi pare).

Right you are (if you think you are).

RIGHT?